Cuddlequette - A Guide to the Lost Art of Cuddling

Admittedly, I am not reduced to a misty-eyed floral sachet of estrogen when I watch romantic comedies, receive flowers, or am serenaded by a date who “plays the guitar poorly a little.” But you know what gets me every dang time? A good cuddle.

I don’t want to cuddle the whole night, and am honestly usually the first to break the embrace, but a good cuddle is tough to beat. (I mean, obviously there’s one thing that can top cuddling in bed, but you see my point.) It melts my cold heart instantly and turns me to putty in the right man’s capable hands and arms (and maybe even legs).

Which brings me to this: (you’re welcome, in advance)

(The Stamos Snugglefest)

So aside from being creepy AND hilarious (who doesn’t love that combination?), there are some valid and helpful lessons hidden in this “tutorial.”

To begin, the Stamos Soother is EXCELLENT when combined with running your fingers through a woman’s hair. I’m not partial to the scalp massage portion, but to each her own. If a man touches my hair or face, my defenses are useless. I also really enjoy laying my head on a man’s chest and being able to kiss his neck and stroke his chest. Sure, the video makes it cheesy and funny, but it’s really nice.

The Stamos Spoonful is kind of given the shaft here (haha…get it?) so I feel the need to highlight that spooning can be awesome. What makes it less awesome is the poke factor if you’re not in the mood for round two with Mr. Cuddler. That aside, I tend to think I feel safer and more protected while being spooned than I do in the “Stamos Soother” position. I can occasionally enjoy being big spoon, but most of the time it’s not my favorite. I tend to select that only if I’m also giving the guy a back rub or scratch of sorts.

I also enjoy the Stamos Swadler as a cuddle position but enjoy nothing else he mentioned! Do not ever rub noses with me, give me “butterfly kisses” (seriously?!), or STARE AT ME, INCHES FROM MY FACE, WHILE I SLEEP. I will call the police. That is all.

And then there’s the Stamos S’Touching (her with your fingers).  A good caress IS excellent, but it really needs to be combined with one of the previously mentioned positions. Otherwise, caressing without cuddling in bed can come across as timid, lacking confidence, and sometimes even annoying. If you’re going to cuddle, commit to a position, gentlemen.

I was a little disappointed that Stamos left out suggestions on how to break the cuddle without hurting your significant other’s feelings (a problem I run into often as I tend to get squirmy and can’t hold a cuddle all night). What I have found to be most effect to use with a guy – or to have a guy use on me – to prevent hurt feelings is to kiss your partner, perhaps on the neck, forehead, or arm, rub them gently on the back, side, or arm, and then roll away to your own side of the bed. This generally makes me feel cared for, rather than abandoned, while clearly signaling that cuddle time is over for the moment. Win-win, no?