Monday, April 23, 2012

First Date Foibles

While I certainly can't guarantee you (or myself, for that matter) a second date, I can share with you some things that will guarantee you won't get one. Also, I love a list. So here goes...

How to Guarantee You Won't Get a Second Date

  1. Mention what your and your date's future children will look like, what you will name them, and how you're completely okay with adopting children if your date is unable to bear his or her own children.
  2. Try to get to second base. Or, Try to get to second base at a party in front of small children. You know, like you do...(or don't...if you're not still going through puberty!)
  3. Pick up your date and offer him or her Ritalin to get the evening started off right.
  4. If you're trying online dating, make sure your pictures clearly indicate you are six months pregnant. Otherwise, your date could be in for a shock when you show up glowing and eating for two.(This one probably just applies to women, but you never know.)
  5. Mention your hatred of whatever gender your date is. Save that until at least the third date.
  6. Use the word "tits" or any of its derivatives at least five times in the first fifteen minutes.
  7. Offer your date a lap dance.
  8. Bite your date.
  9. Tell your date you can't wait to call him or her your boyfriend or girlfriend.
  10. Lick your date's eyeball.
  11. List in great detail all of your past suicide attempts.
  12. Explain that you're a grad student at NC State. Then clarify and say you're really still an undergrad. Then clarify further and say you're actually not at NC State, but that you're attending Wake Tech. Wait for dessert and then explain that you're actually no longer at Wake Tech, but you are at least working. Next, mention your job is working as a waiter at Applebee's. When the meal is over, let your date know that you've recently quit your job at Applebee's, but that you are at least spending your time dreaming about your future career as a NASCAR driver, once you learn how to drive a fast car, and buy one. Of course, this is purely a hypothetical situation.
  13. Smack your date on the ass.
  14. Refuse to tell your date your real name.
  15. Begin an in-depth discussion of your recent gastric bypass and/or lap band surgery.
  16. Tell your date how important your child is to you and then find yourself at a loss as to when your child's birthday is or how old your child is.
  17. Cry. For any reason.
  18. Use finger puppets to communicate.


My hope is that this list is useful to you, as these are all things that have really happened.

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